Degausser
by a girl with a golden back
Summary: James Diamond. Logan Mitchell. Two boys that carried the weight of the world on their shoulders, but with each passing day, they could feel slabs of earth falling from their bones.
1. the storm is coming

_"Long is the way. And hard. And out of Hell leads up to light."_

For most people, growing up is a gradual process, the slow moving of an individual along a continuum until, before you know it, you wake up and realize that you're just completely jaded with it all and you're no longer that innocent kid that you used to be. Life just loses its beauty, and all you're able to see is the ugliness.

For James Diamond, that hardening happened over the course of forty-eight hours.

The most tragic part of the ordeal was that, even after two years, the memory was still embedded in his brain, the visual as vivid as it had been that cool February morning. No matter how many days passed, he still couldn't forget. And no matter how much he wanted to move on, he couldn't bring himself to, even though he knew that that's what Carlos would have wanted. He would have wanted James to be happy.

James couldn't remember what happiness felt like.

He remembered walking down the plush beige-carpeted hall of the Palm Woods in his bare feet, his body pumping with excitement as he approached Carlos's apartment. They'd had plans to go to the gym that morning, the two seemed to be in constant competition over who could lift the most or run the longest, and James was determined to be faster than Carlos for once. Back when they'd played hockey in high school, James and Kendall were always the strongest of the four, but Logan and Carlos had them demolished when it came to speed and agility.

Thinking back, James missed those days. At the time, he was constantly longing to be older, to be able to drive or get into a cub, but now he'd do almost anything to get his youth back.

James remembered pushing his thick chocolate bangs out of his face as he reached instinctively for the doorknob, not bothering to knock. None of the guys ever knocked, even now that they all lived in separate apartments.

The knob slid in his hand, but it wouldn't budge, so James resorted to pounding on the door with his fist.

"Carlos, open up! Don't give me that 'you caught that stomach virus again' bullshit, let's go!"

After a few moments passed without a response from the other side of the door, James turned to walk away, assuming that Carlos had had a girl over or something, but just as he began to step away from the doorway, something held his feet to the floor. It was the nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right, his intuition kicking in as his heartbeat quickened, throbbing against his chest as he stood there, two hazel eyes never moving from the door.

A sudden burst of adrenaline sent the power of his leg thrusting towards the door, and James struggled to gather himself as he stood in the doorway. His eyes skimmed over the familiar view of Carlos's living room, but something still felt off to him. The apartment was silent, and James tried not to make a sound as he eased his way through the empty living room and into the kitchen.

The soft slap of James's bare feet against the linoleum was eerily amplified, and he noticed that the door of Carlos's bedroom hung slightly ajar. James could make out the soft silhouette of his friend's body hidden beneath pale blue sheets.

He stood in the doorway, barely peeking in, and knocked softly against the door. The body on the bed didn't budge, and that was what terrified James the most, the fact that he couldn't see Carlos's chest lift upwards with each slow and steady breath. That he didn't hear the obnoxious snore that had constantly kept him up at night for over three years.

It wasn't until he saw the vacant stare in those chocolate brown eyes that reality struck him like an army tank. His breath caught in his chest as his mind refused to register the scene laid out in front of him. There was no way any of this could be real. This was just another one of his nightmares, and he kept waiting to wake up in a cold sweat in his bed, but it never happened.

It took everything James had to pull back those sheets, to press his head against the cold skin of his friend's stiff chest, only to hear nothing but emptiness. Nothing but hollow emptiness, completely devoid of that spark that embodied Carlos.

Carlos was gone, and so was James, bolting from the apartment as quickly as his legs would take him, down the hall to Kendall's place.

"Kendall! Kendall!" James repeatedly choked out his friend's name, a desperate waver in his voice.

A weak wave of relief washed over him as soon as he was met by Kendall's tired expression.

"What is it, James?" he asked in irritation as he wiped the sleep from his green eyes.

"Kendall…Carlos is dead." The statement hung in the air between them, and it hurt James to hear them, as if hearing them and speaking them made them that much more true.

"What?" Kendall's face seemed to drop, his eyes lined with a million questions that James couldn't answer.

"I-I went to his apartment just now, and he was just lying there with this stare on his face. Kendall, he wasn't breathing, and I couldn't hear a heartbeat." He quickly blinked away the tears that were beginning to flood the corners of his eyes.

Kendall was speechless, but his mouth finally haphazardly formed the words "What do we do?"

For once in his life, Kendall didn't have a plan. How could he possibly plan for _this_?

"I don't know. Maybe we should tell Logan."

Logan's expression mirrored Kendall's, except that his coffee-colored eyes darted back and forth between the two guys, his lips desperately fumbling for words as that brain of his tried to mesh everything together, come up with any sort of explanation.

For once, Logan didn't have an answer.

"We have to call 911," he uttered, his eyes glued to the floor as Kendall reached for his cell phone, slowly dialing the three numbers that everyone knows by heart but hopes to never have to use.


	2. a girl with a golden back

_"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."_

When everything was said and done and the guys had gone their separate ways, Logan collapsed onto his bed, the familiar give and sink of the mattress easing some of the tension that had collected in his muscles over the course of the day. As his brown eyes gazed up at the flecks and imperfections on the ceiling above, a despondent sigh escaped his lips.

Words couldn't express the flurries of thoughts and memories that were swirling around in his mind. The only common thread that tied them all together was that sunken feeling of emptiness.

And no matter how much he tried to push those thoughts from his head, every single one led back to Carlos.

Logan shifted onto his side, his eyes falling onto the back of the one girl that had stood by him for four years as if somehow he could find the answers in the blue lint that clung to her white t-shirt.

Kandi had kept her distance since she heard the news, partially because she didn't want to feel like she was intruding on their grief but mostly because that was the way she dealt with things: on her own. She'd lost so much in her life already that she'd become hardened and numbed to the emotional aspect of it. In her experience, it was typically easier and less emotionally exhausting to just keep yourself distracted and not dwell on it so much. She'd never told these things to Logan though; Logan had a different way of dealing with grief.

Logan was the type of person that had to process everything, to talk it all out and calculate it and know the reasoning behind everything, when not everything had a clear-cut reason. Everything doesn't happen for a reason, life's not fair, and sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David. And though she knew that this was when he needed her the most, she didn't have anything to offer him, nothing that would take away his or her own pain. Kandi just couldn't fill up that void inside of him.

And just seeing the expression on his face plunged the knife a little deeper, and she didn't think that she could stand to see him so torn up. Her eyes fixated on the beige wall across from her as she watched his shadow bend and blur as he tried to get comfortable.

Logan's eyes were tired and swollen from saline. He'd waited until he was alone in the shower to finally allow himself to break down, his tears flowing into the stream of the shower as the steady downpour drowned out his labored breathing. Wet clumps of dark hair matted against his forehead as the tiles of the shower blurred into white fog.

He wanted to be strong, he didn't want her to see him broken like that, even though he had perfectly good reason to be.

Logan wrapped his arms around her, letting his chin rest amongst tangles of brunette waves. Her elbow fit into the crease of his own perfectly, and his fingers laced into hers, his index finger absentmindedly tracing the never-ending infinity sign on the ring he'd given her.

He just wanted to feel something warm, something real, something that he could touch and feel against his skin. Something that wasn't hollow and vacant like himself.

Kandi could feel the warmth of his breath against the back of her neck, feel the slight pressure of his lips against her shoulder, and she couldn't help but think that none of them deserved this pain. Carlos didn't deserve to have his life suddenly cut short, Logan didn't deserve to have himself eaten away from the inside-out, and she didn't deserve to be forced to pick up the pieces of it all.

Logan's voice was hoarse, but there was a boyish waver in his words. "I love you more than anything."

She felt the air force from her lungs. "I love you too," she whispered as she gripped his hand in her own.

Hours passed without words or sleep, just two sets of brown eyes staring as two pairs of lungs expanded and collapsed in time with their lost thoughts.


	3. a funeral for my once loved youth

**_"_****_You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on._****_"_**

Six hands were clasp into one another as four heads bowed down beneath the beautiful California sun. On any other day like this, the four would've been hanging out by the pool or gathered in the park, smiling and laughing at each other's mannerisms as they always did, but this day was different. No words pushed past their lips, and they remained silent as the minister said a few words commemorating Carlos's two decades of life.

Kendall stood at one end, his green eyes lost in all of the reds, greens, and whites of the floral arrangements that adorned the hulking mass of wood in the center of the circle. One hand held his black fedora firmly against his chest while the other was gripped in James's, and as immature as the gesture looked to the outside world, Kendall found comfort in James's desperate, clammy palm. There was something reassuring about the fact that he wasn't alone in this, that both James and Logan, even Kandi, felt that same feeling of remorse and loss. It was like when Carlos was taken from them, so was a little piece of each of them, and they were standing there, desperate for something to fill that void while knowing nothing would satiate it.

James was in the middle, one hand in Kendall's while the other grasped Logan's. His lips parted slightly, as if he was a fish out of water, gasping for air, choking on all of the emptiness around him. The stiff black suit seemed to squeeze what little life he had left out of him, leaving him this hollow vessel of bronzed skin and hazel eyes.

A blown-up photo of Carlos was placed on a stand off to the side of the gathering, the brilliant grin spread across the deceased boy's lips a stark contrast to the last memory James had of him. James wanted that smiling, happy Carlos back again more than he'd ever wanted anything else in his life. He just wanted one more late night Taco Bell run or one more spontaneous game of basketball in the park, but there was a somber finality in the minister's words, and James knew he would never get those moments back. This was truly the end; Carlos wasn't here with them anymore. James could only hope that he was in a better place, that there was something out there just for him, a cornucopia of his favorite corn dogs and an endless reel of daredevil stunts gone awry. A faint smile formed across James's lips at the thought while a trail of saline rolled down his cheekbone.

There was nothing behind Logan's chocolate eyes, the black hole was pulling away at his insides, and no emotions showed through. No tears, no slight chuckle at some of the funny Carlos memories, no wistful smile. Nothing. Though he could feel the pressure of James's grip against his hand, the other boy felt as if he were a million light-years away. A breath rattled in his shaky lungs, and he bit his lower lip as he watched Carlos's father step up to the makeshift podium, the lush greenery of the park's foliage casting a slight mint glow against his caramel skin. Their was that familiar shimmer in his aged brown eyes that caused Logan to lower his head and immediately tune out the police officer's words.

He couldn't stand to hear anything else about Carlos; each story brought back a flood of painful memories that he couldn't shake.

Logan could feel Kandi tugging at his fingers as she leaned her head back into his chest. His arm was slung over her shoulder, and he could feel the girl gradually sinking into him. Wisps of chestnut curls breezed against his cheek, but he couldn't pick up the familiar scent of her coconut shampoo. Apparently he couldn't feel or sense anything anymore, just the numbing sensation of pain sparking throughout his lean body.

It was so utterly depressing. Even though everyone tried to focus more on celebrating Carlos's life than his passing, there was still that gut wrenching, life-sucking somberness in the air. There was still the ugly truth that Carlos was gone, that something awful had happened to him, though no one was completely sure what.

Logan was determined to find answers, even if it killed him, even if it took everything he had in him.

He straightened his spine, stiffening his posture as the other three caved more and more into themselves. Logan was the oldest, he had to stay strong, had to set an example for the others, even though he knew it'd be incredibly hard to be convincing.

A long sigh forced its way past his lips, and his hold tightened around his fiancée's shoulders.

The preacher said a few final words about the glory of heaven before the crowd began to disperse.

Logan couldn't make himself believe in a God that would yank his best friend away from him.

James could only hope that there was something more out there, for both Carlos's and his own sake.

Kendall just felt like the world was pushing against him, slamming him up against a wall of concrete like a fox caught in a snare. The urge to escape was overwhelming, and he found himself weaving through the crowd just to get away from the scene, leaving James, Logan, and Kandi left standing in his wake.

"So you're still coming over for dinner tonight, right?" Logan asked as the three stood under a looming oak tree in their Sunday's best.

James nodded half-heartedly, unsure if he would come through on his commitment. Honestly, he wasn't feeling like himself lately, and he just needed some space and some time alone to think things out.

He raked a hand through his hair as he walked off, further into the park. He could only hope that time would heal the wounds carved through his heart.

Little did they know, this was only just the beginning…


End file.
